Truth be told … I’m awesome.
That said, not only is Erin coming to visit The San Francisco Bay Area, she’s coming to visit the San Francisco Bai Area. Keep your panties on ladies, I’m talking about my apartment, which, like me, is also awesome. I’m sure a study somewhere will show that people like awesome things. People also like awesome accommodations. Do you have any out of town friends that would love to visit, but just don’t want to stay with you due to your lack of awesome? Worry not, I am here to assist.
Awesome is closer than you think, but it will require a few things. With my simple Checklist of Awesome, your pad will be the place to stay!
The Checklist of Awesome:
- Queen sized air mattress
- Big tv
- Video games
- Rock Band and instruments
- Fully functional toilet
- Chubby animal
- You (optional)
Queen sized air mattress:
Look at this monstrosity. It’s amazing. It’s like the Rolls Royce of inflatable mattresses. Look at how happy those people are! “Screw foam, screw springs! Honey, we’re gettin’ an AIR MATTRESS!” Also, look at her face. Clearly she just had the time of her life. – Queen sized air mattress – CHECK!
Big tvs are important. Why? Because they’re awesome. Also important for the next item on our list … notice the PS3, Wii and Xbox 360. The big tv allows for better viewing, and you don’t have to hear any whining about it being to small, unless your friend has a bigger tv. If they do, then you are not awesome enough … maybe you should go to their place? – Big Tv – CHECK!
Video games are quintessential to the “hang out” experience. It’s 2011, people don’t talk anymore. This is a digital age. We’d rather be social in a cyber capacity by updating lame-o social networking sites like Facebook, or Twitter with our mundane activities. Video games take the edge off of having to actually converse, and goes straight to shit talking. You are absolutely certain that your buddy is going to call you out and you are going to respond in kind with the beat down of their life. “BAM! BAM! BAM! Whack! Whack! When’s it EVER gonna stop?! Survey says … NOT … VERY … SOON!!!” Who’s up for some Mario Kart?! I’ll OWN YOU!
–Video Games – CHECK!
Rock Band and instruments:
This is obviously an extension of the previous item, but still required for Awesomeness all the same. While you can still be competitive, Rock Band challenges you to cooperate with your friends, and several of them simultaneously. It also allows you to call them out when they suck balls at the game. Crank on No-Fail mode, and you’ve got yourself in-house Karaoke with plastic instruments. Don’t lie, you know you love it. You feel so bad ass with that plastic guitar or drum sticks in your hands. Then there’s the whole “Who wants to be the singer?!” problem. The only person that wants to sing the most … is the person who THINKS they are incredibly bad ass at singing, and are absolutely terrible. That person is the frontman to your video rock badassery … and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Optional: If you have a mullet wig like I do, pop that sucker on and now you’re an 80’s rock star! –Rock Band and instruments – CHECK!
Friends with no food, are just friends. Friends WITH food … are freakin’ AWESOME! Don’t be a hater, get your ass to the grocery store and stock up! -Food – CHECK!
Seriously, if you don’t have anything to drink, I’m not coming over, and you are not Awesome. Water is not a drink, everyone has that. I could stay home and drink water you cheap bastard. Added bonus, beer can be consumed in conjunction with any item on this list! -Drinks – CHECK!
Fully Functional Toilet:
This is pretty much the most basic of requirements. Trust me, a working toilet in the time of need is quite Awesome. Extra points for it being clean. Chicks dig a clean bathroom … high five to you good sir … or madam.
-Fully Functional Toilet – CHECK!
Animals. They’re adorable. They melt your heart, and the hearts of your friends. They make you appear sensitive, when really you’re a jerkface. They’re also inherently hilarious, soft, squishy (cuz they’re chubby!) People love animals. They can’t resist. Even if your animal is mean, people will STILL try to chase them and pet them and talk to you about them etc. “Wow that’s so awesome, you have a kitty?! She’s SOOOOOOOOO sweet! You’re so awesome for saving a life!” … Yeah … I am aren’t I? -Chubby Animal – CHECK!
With the exception of house sitting (no one house sits at a non-awesome joint … no one!), you have to be Awesome yourself to warrant a visit from your friends. Your awesome stuff can be found anywhere, but you’re (allegedly) one of a kind! Now, if you have all the items on this list and feel that you’re sufficiently Awesome, but still have no friends visiting, you aren’t going to like what I’m about to tell you. Maybe you should sit down …