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Checklist of Awesome

Truth be told … I’m awesome.

That said, not only is Erin coming to visit The San Francisco Bay Area, she’s coming to visit the San Francisco Bai Area. Keep your panties on ladies, I’m talking about my apartment, which, like me, is also awesome. I’m sure a study somewhere will show that people like awesome things. People also like awesome accommodations. Do you have any out of town friends that would love to visit, but just don’t want to stay with you due to your lack of awesome? Worry not, I am here to assist.

Awesome is closer than you think, but it will require a few things. With my simple Checklist of Awesome, your pad will be the place to stay!

The Checklist of Awesome:

  • Queen sized air mattress
  • Big tv
  • Video games
  • Rock Band and instruments
  • Food
  • Drink
  • Fully functional toilet
  • Chubby animal
  • You (optional)

Queen sized air mattress:

Bow chicka wow wow ...

Look at this monstrosity. It’s amazing. It’s like the Rolls Royce of inflatable mattresses. Look at how happy those people are! “Screw foam, screw springs! Honey, we’re gettin’ an AIR MATTRESS!” Also, look at her face. Clearly she just had the time of her life. – Queen sized air mattress – CHECK!

Big tv:

 

"Hey Bai, your tv is pretty big!" ... "That's what She said!"

Big tvs are important. Why? Because they’re awesome. Also important for the next item on our list … notice the PS3, Wii and Xbox 360. The big tv allows for better viewing, and you don’t have to hear any whining about it being to small, unless your friend has a bigger tv. If they do, then you are not awesome enough … maybe you should go to their place? – Big Tv – CHECK!

Video Games:

I have a few ..

Video games are quintessential to the “hang out” experience. It’s 2011, people don’t talk anymore. This is a digital age. We’d rather be social in a cyber capacity by updating lame-o social networking sites like Facebook, or Twitter with our mundane activities. Video games take the edge off of having to actually converse, and goes straight to shit talking. You are absolutely certain that your buddy is going to call you out and you are going to respond in kind with the beat down of their life. “BAM! BAM! BAM! Whack! Whack! When’s it EVER gonna stop?! Survey says … NOT … VERY … SOON!!!” Who’s up for some Mario Kart?! I’ll OWN YOU!

Video Games – CHECK!

Rock Band and instruments:

Rooooock Baaaaaaaannnnd! You don't have to put on the red light ...

This is obviously an extension of the previous item, but still required for Awesomeness all the same. While you can still be competitive, Rock Band challenges you to cooperate with your friends, and several of them simultaneously. It also allows you to call them out when they suck balls at the game. Crank on No-Fail mode, and you’ve got yourself in-house Karaoke with plastic instruments. Don’t lie, you know you love it. You feel so bad ass with that plastic guitar or drum sticks in your hands. Then there’s the whole “Who wants to be the singer?!” problem. The only person that wants to sing the most … is the person who THINKS they are incredibly bad ass at singing, and are absolutely terrible. That person is the frontman to your video rock badassery … and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Optional: If you have a mullet wig like I do, pop that sucker on and now you’re an 80’s rock star! –Rock Band and instruments – CHECK!

Food:

nom nom nom

Friends with no food, are just friends. Friends WITH food … are freakin’ AWESOME! Don’t be a hater, get your ass to the grocery store and stock up! -Food – CHECK!

Drinks:

Ahhhh beer ... my one true weakness ... my Achilles heel if you will ...

Seriously, if you don’t have anything to drink, I’m not coming over, and you are not Awesome. Water is not a drink, everyone has that. I could stay home and drink water you cheap bastard. Added bonus, beer can be consumed in conjunction with any item on this list! -Drinks – CHECK!

Fully Functional Toilet:

...of questionable cleanliness ...

This is pretty much the most basic of requirements. Trust me, a working toilet in the time of need is quite Awesome. Extra points for it being clean. Chicks dig a clean bathroom … high five to you good sir … or madam.

-Fully Functional Toilet – CHECK!

Chubby Animal:

O Hai! Aye iz Awwsum kitteh!

Animals. They’re adorable. They melt your heart, and the hearts of your friends. They make you appear sensitive, when really you’re a jerkface. They’re also inherently hilarious, soft, squishy (cuz they’re chubby!) People love animals. They can’t resist. Even if your animal is mean, people will STILL try to chase them and pet them and talk to you about them etc. “Wow that’s so awesome, you have a kitty?! She’s SOOOOOOOOO sweet! You’re so awesome for saving a life!” … Yeah … I am aren’t I? -Chubby Animal – CHECK!

You:

This is a picture of my tits! ๐Ÿ™‚

With the exception of house sitting (no one house sits at a non-awesome joint … no one!), you have to be Awesome yourself to warrant a visit from your friends. Your awesome stuff can be found anywhere, but you’re (allegedly) one of a kind! Now, if you have all the items on this list and feel that you’re sufficiently Awesome, but still have no friends visiting, you aren’t going to like what I’m about to tell you. Maybe you should sit downย  …

I’m Awesome!

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Dinner of Champions

Alright! E-Bai is back in the blog saddle! How was your day? Mine was AWFUL! 8am – 8pm today! Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Bai, you worked a twelve hour day, how did you have time to make dinner?” Well my friends, I’m going to share with you a FANTASTIC dinner, that is not only delicious, but incredibly easy to make!

What you need:

  • Milk
  • Cereal
  • Bowl
  • Beer
  • Bottle opener
  • Glass Baby Boot – Chilled (May also be substituted with a mug, stein, or brown paper bag)

Your tool of destruction:

  • Spoon

The Dinner of Champions

Now that you have everything you need, we may begin. You’ll start off by opening the box of cereal (if you haven’t already). As you can see, for your viewing entertainment, I have a brand new box of Cookie Crisp. Does anyone know when the Cookie Cop and Criminal disappeared?! Who’s that Cookie Coyote? Anyways, after opening the box, you’re going to want to pour the desired amount of cereal into the bowl. I’m a fan of the 3/4th bowl of cereal.

Next, and this part is key … the milk:cereal ratio.

For those of you wanting an even milk:cereal ratio, you’re going to want to fill the bowl about halfway with milk as shown:

The Half-Half

However, if you’re a milk lover like yours truly, you’re going to go all in. “But Bai, that’s SO much milk, when do I stop?!” I’m glad you asked! The key to the milk lovers bowl of cereal lies in the pouring of milk until the first piece (in this case – cookie) falls out of the bowl. Now in case you couldn’t see it in the photo, I’ve carefully pointed it out for you …

 

The Milk Lover's Bowl

Notice the cookie …

Next comes the beer. Now, depending on your tastes, the beer may be poured into the boot prior to the pouring of the cereal and milk. Some people don’t want the cereal to soak too long. Hey man, it’s your world, and you can have as soggy or as crunchy cereal as you’d like. Anywho, I couldn’t pour the beer, hold the boot and take a pic at the same time, so make sure your boot’s angle is proper before making the poor from the bottle (or tap) so you don’t get too much head.

 

It’s almost time! Now before you dig in, you need to remember that it’s been a long day, and a person needs to be comfortable when partaking in the Dinner of Champions. This “eat at the kitchen table” stuff just won’t do. Park that fine fanny of yours down in your favourite sittin’ chair, or if you’re like me, you prefer the nook of the couch, where the only table I know, is the arm. Coaster up though, you don’t want a mark on that nice end table of yours!

 

Dinner is served!

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Right on! Give yourself a pat on the back! You’ve just made the Dinner of Champions! Am I right?! Of course I am! What did I tell you? Simple!

 

Hell Yeah! The Dinner of Champions!

Here’s a note for all you milk lovers out there … there will be a moment in your dinner enjoyment when all you are left with, is your beer and milk. Now, this is known as The Crossroads. You’ve got two choices:

  1. Add more cereal
  2. Drink all the milk

The best part is … you win no matter what you choose! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Crossroads

Whoa whoa WHOA Bai … I’m concerned … is this nutritious?

AB-SO-LUTELY! Look, don’t be a Nancy Boy (or girl). Let me read the box for you … “WholeGrain & Calcium … Guaranteed” Do you think they would make that claim if it weren’t true? Don’t forget, there are nutritious hops in your beer too. Still not convinced? I’ll even read some highlights from the side of the box … “Nutrition FACTS” (emphasis added), “Vitamin“, “Iron“, “Zinc” (ZINC! Where would we be without zinc?!), “CONTAINS WHEAT AND SOY INGREDIENTS” – That shit is in caps yo! That’s serious business! I’m convinced.

What if my kids don’t like Beer X and Cereal Y?

Look, I’m mentally not much older than your kids, but seriously, variety is the spice of life. Give them options. Tonight was a Cookie Crisp/Sierra Nevada night for me. Maybe tomorrow is a Special K/Guinness evening. Who knows?! All I know is that kids love choices, so buy them the cereal and beer they like. Oh and don’t forget to watch your favourite show!

Why limit yourself?!

Thundercats HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

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Filed under Bai, What's for Dinner